“Wow, you look like you’ve lost a ton of weight!”
I hate this sentence, spoken to me this week by a woman I hadn’t seen in about a year. How am I supposed to react? Here were my initial thoughts – I could: a) Be happy because she’s paying me a complement; b) Wonder how much of a fat cow I used to look like; or c) be totally confident that I am super hot and she’s just trying to play a mind game with me.
Unfortunately, ‘B’ won out.
This is not the first time in the last year that someone has told me I look like I’ve lost the baby weight. While I know they are trying to make me feel good, all I can think of is how much of a total porker I must have looked like before. I mean, what else am I supposed to think when someone says, in not so many words, “Wow, you sure look a lot better than you used to.” Thanks, thanks a lot. Next time, keep your kind thoughts to yourself.
At least I don’t get asked if I’m pregnant anymore. The last time was this winter. I almost smacked the chick, and most certainly have never worn that shirt again. Not even sure while it’s still hanging in my closet. The worse incident, however, occurred when I was around 7 months post-partum. We were refrigerator shopping at Home Depot and a sales clerk with an ass the size of a large freezer looked at my stomach and said, “What are we having, dear?”
My reply: “We had.”
Of course, Ms. Big Ass just couldn’t drop it. She then had to ask, “Oh, just?”
“Well, 7 months ago.” Does that count as ‘just?
That outfit got burned too.
But actually the very, very worst story happened three weeks after Kaya was born. I went to my first yoga class since giving birth, so I did not exactly have a flat stomach. (Excuse me while I vent for a moment – I hate all those women whose stomachs instantly revert to concave minutes after pushing a baby out. Bitches! There, I feel better now.) My yoga teacher, whose class I had been taking during my whole pregnancy, came up to me and said, “What?!! You haven’t had that baby yet?”
“Umm, yeah, I had her three weeks ago. Please tell me I don’t look 9 months pregnant.”
And she had the nerve to say: “Well, yes, you do.”
My jaw literally dropped. My god, cut me some slack – I just gave birth, for fuck’s sake! So much for yoga putting me in a better space. Is everyone expected to have a bikini-ready body after steadily gaining weight and having their stomach muscles stretched out for 9 months??? I mean, I know celebrities always seem to, but Madonna’s personal trainer and chef were not available after Kaya was born. That’s my excuse. And I’m stickin’ to it. Lord knows everything else seems to stick to my ribs.