tpMy kids have become synchronized shitters. Now, stop picturing them with those funny little swim caps on and tons of make-up and a huge smile on their faces – this does not occur in the pool, thank god. Rather, just like women who live together tend to get their periods at the same time, Kaiden and Kaya’s bowl movements are in sync. Without fail, as soon as one says they have to take a crap, sure enough the other starts running to the bathroom screaming about pooping. And they’re not just saying it – they really do have to go.

Why this happens I’m not exactly sure. What I do know is that this means I spend inordinate amounts of time in public bathrooms at the grocery store, library and restaurants, since as soon as one finishes his business the other has to go. I think I’ve missed entire meals waiting for my kids to take turns pooping.

And now, lucky me, my kids have taken to describing their feces. Yesterday Kaiden took a huge dooker and yelled out, “Mommy, it looks like a banana,” instantly ruining my appetite for my favorite fruit.

Then, sure enough, Kaya starts yelling that she has to go poo. Not to be outdone by her brother, she calls out from the bathroom, “Mommy, mine looks like a carrot.”

Sweet, now I have absolutely zero appetite for any fruit or vegetable.

Since I am still wiping Kaya’s ass (when does that end, by the way?), when I come in the bathroom I cannot help but gaze in the toilet, kind of like when you drive by a car accident and know you shouldn’t look but your eyes just go that way anyways. Holy crap, it does look like a carrot!

So now you know: my kids have a secret talent for taking shits shaped like food. Do you think we have a shot at winning “America’s Got Talent?”


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