Here at the Siig household, with less than one day left of summer (well, at least for one child), I am dealing with two new realities: an onslaught of carpenter ants and the fact that I am going to have to get my act together by 9 am every morning, five days a week, for the next nine months.
Both, shall we say, kind of suck.
Let’s start with the ants. These are not your usual tiny ants you find outside in the grass or between cracks in the sidewalk, or the adorable kind from some Pixar movie. No, these are more like the kind you’d find in a bad horror flick from the 70s. I’m talking big, black and plump, like when you squish them they make a loud popping sound and their guts spray everywhere. These suckers are fat and hungry, and they have their eyes on my roof for a meal. And they’re also smart little fuckers. I swear to god, whenever I try to sneak up on one of them to flatten them with a rolled-up magazine or paper towel, they scurry out of reach into a corner or crack. And then they use their dam ant ESP to warn all their comrades, and soon all those ants I had my eye on are hiding. I am sure they are all gathered in some unreachable corner, watching me and laughing. They mock me with their antennas.
It’s me against them. War. But I have modern technology on my side. So I did want any self-respecting maniacal dictator would do. I bombed the shit out of them. Gassed them. Well, not me personally. I hired a professional assassin of course. He sprayed those persistent buggers. At last, it was over. No more bad dreams of ants crawling all over my skin. I had won.
But those little shits were too smart even for the Gas Man. Two days later, they are still crawling around the walls and floors of my kitchen, flaunting their hardiness. Like cockroaches, these mega-ants could probably survive a nuclear attack. I see them everywhere, even when I close my eyes.
I called the Gas Man again, but he said it was normal, that he had succeeded in stirring up the ants and they would all die eventually once they made it back to the nest. In the meantime, I need to wait two weeks. TWO WEEKS? Easy for him to say. I think the ants are now out to get me. I’m hoping they don’t poison my food.
At least I have Kaiden’s first day of kindergarten tomorrow to keep my mind off the ants. I am just having a hard time adjusting to the fact that he has to be somewhere every single week day, at 9 am no less. For kids who like to sleep till 9, even 9:30 in the morning (I know, you hate me), a start time of 9 a.m. is a stretch. Kaiden was in a summer camp last month that started at the same time and we were late almost every single day. Most days I had to throw Kaya in the car still in her PJs and rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.
It’s going to be hectic at first. But we’ll make it.
Too bad I can’t say the same thing for the ants.