Dear Tourist: Please read so I don’t have to shoot you

touristI know everyone’s a tourist at one point or another, but when you live in a tourist town, they start to drive you crazy after a while. There’s a reason we call visitors to Tahoe “gapers:” they drive like 80-year old blind grandmas out for a Sunday cruise, slam their brakes on every time they see a leaf fall, and clog up the lines at the grocery store. MY grocery store.

But, alas, we need tourists; our economy depends on them. (Dam it. I guess that means I can’t use them for target practice.) So, as the tourist season draws to a close, I have a few words of advice to visitors that will help them blend in and keep locals from strangling them with their bare hands:

1. Figure out where you are going BEFORE you get in the car. Mapquest it, Google it, ask a friend, I don’t care, just do what you have to do to NOT drive 25 miles per hour on a 45-mph road. And for god’s sake, lay off the brakes!

2. Don’t go where every other tourist and their mother is going. Try something new. There is a popular trail called 5 Lakes located across the street from my house, and by this afternoon I counted 50 cars parked outside. Does that sounds like fun to you – hiking with 100 other people??? No, I didn’t think so. Kind of contradicts the point of being outside in nature. Might as well bring your TV along.

3. Ladies – in the winter, please, PLEASE, don’t wear those boots with the spiky heals. Those don’t count as snow boots. And you will slip and fall on the ice and break your neck. I guarantee it. Wearing high-healed boots during a snow storm is a dead give-away that you are not from around here. You might look sexy to that guy up for the weekend, but to us locals, you look plain stupid.

4. When running into the grocery store after a day on the river or lake, please wear a cover up. I don’t need to see you walking around in your bikini while I’m shopping for pull-ups and pizza and trying to figure out what the hell I’m going to make for dinner. I get it – you’re skinny. Now put on a shirt. You’ll be fat one day after popping out a couple kids.

5. Another tip for winter – just because there’s a half inch of snow on the ground does not mean the world is coming to an end. You can still drive the speed limit. Conversely, a two-wheel Chrysler with regular tires is about as useful in a snow storm as a used diaper when your child has a bad case of diarrhea. Word to the wise – chains are your friend.

Class is now dismissed.

Hope this satisfied my homework assignment given by Kat at Mama’s Losin’ It. Do I get an A?

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4 thoughts on “Dear Tourist: Please read so I don’t have to shoot you

  1. I am a tourist frequently, yet I swear, I really try not to offend. I cringe when J wears white sneakers (a rarity), because come on, dude. The white sneakers, white socks, SLR slung around the neck, and a giant subway map? Used to KILL me in New York.

  2. Out here in New England, we are gearing up for our “leaf-peeper” season. Ugh!

    Ever see the Family Guy episode where New Yorkers were “invading” their town? It’s a classic!

    It’s a fine line between “thank you for your tourist money, you fool” and “get the hell out of my town, you fool”.

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