Having just returned from the Art Bark Animal Art & Wine Festival at Squaw Valley, which benefits our local humane society and Squaw Valley Rescue Dogs, I feel inclined to report a few disturbing trends I witnessed among dog lovers. I feel I have every right to comment on these since I own a cat, and am thus a snob by association:
1. It is wrong, WRONG, WRONG to carry animals around in baby gear!!! I saw one woman who was pushing an empty dog stroller while carrying her chihuahua in a doggie sling. I had to fight the urge to grab her and shake her by the shoulders and yell, “Snap out of it, woman! It’s a DOG, for christ’s sake, not a BABY! Dogs CAN WALK! ” I saw so many damn doggie strollers at the event that I am starting to think I might be the only one who thinks this way. Call me crazy, but I thought dogs loved to run and walk. What’s next – doggie bicycle trailers? Wait, I’ve seen those.
2. Dressing up little dogs like children gives me the creeps. I saw one small bull dog wearing a pink sundress and matching hat, while her brother was wearing a t-shirt that said “I still live with my parents.” OK, I get the joke. I also get that you are sick in the head and have not recovered from your doll and Barbie fetish when you were a kid. If the dog knew what it was wearing, it would kill you and then run away to find another owner that wouldn’t humiliate it like that.
3. This is a first – I saw a woman walking an alpaca on a leash. You know, basically a llama but smaller and cuter. Yeah, weird. But it gets even better. While we were petting her (and I know it was a girl because it had a ribbon stuck to its head), she started to make a weird sound, kind of like a whimper. I thought we were freaking it out, but when I asked the owner she just said that meant it had to go to the bathroom. Apparently, the alpaca is potty trained and has its own porta-potty. I swear to God, I am not making this up. But here’s what topped the whole experience: the owner says to the alpaca, “Is this the first time you’ve seen children in a cage?” A cage??? Excuse me, this here is a stroller – for kids. Have you never seen one before? Or you just confused because everyone else here is pushing DOGGIE STROLLERS???
4. OK, so this last one I didn’t witness but it’s about animals and just happened yesterday so I feel like I can take poetic license and include it. Plus this is my blog so there really aren’t any rules. Kaiden came home from school on Friday and told me someone had brought a bunch of animals to school for the students to look at. There was a porcupine and a snake and a parrot – in a diaper. Why was it in a diaper? I asked. His answer: “Mom, it wasn’t a regular diaper. It was a parrot diaper.” Oh, as if that explained why a bird was wearing Huggies. But then I realized there could be other logical explanations, like maybe it was a really old bird so it was sporting Depends, or it was a female parrot wearing a MaxiPad. What I don’t understand is if you can train an alpaca to use its own porta-potty, why then not a parrot? The parrot could even ask to go to the bathroom, right? “Polly gotta potty. Polly gotta potty.”
Siig and I used to have two wonderful dogs and have often contemplated getting another, but after this weekend I think I will stick to my one remaining cat, even if yesterday she did puke up a big hairball on the carpet that Kaya then stepped in in her barefeet. And she only has like one tooth and wouldn’t kill a spider if her life depended on it. At least I don’t have to worry about buying a Kitty Bjorn – yet.