Here is my idea of hell: to be stuck in a small hotel room with my two snoring kids in one bed, and me – Mrs. Insomnia – in the other.
Let’s make it worse, shall we? As we all know, I am two months pregnant and have thus sworn off my beloved Ambien, finally throwing it in the back of my husband’s very, very messy closet, where I knew I would not be able to search for it in the middle of the night without turning on lights to climb over suitcases and piles of clothes and most likely stub my toes on various objects. So here I am in a hotel room at 2 am, having failed to fall asleep since I went to bed at 10 pm, listening to Kaiden snore like he is an erupting volcano. I fantasize about Ambien like any normal woman would about a naked Brad Pitt – what I wouldn’t do to have it in bed with me.
Finally, around 4 am I fall asleep, only to be woken up by Siig yelling at Kaiden to stop snoring. He is hovering over Kaiden, who doesn’t move an inch, yelling “Come on, man!”, as if this 5-year old boy were a grown man who snubbed a prime parking place or was driving 40 mph on the freeway. I curse Siig under my breath.
The worst part? Kaiden did, in fact, stop snoring. But Siig, who soon fell back to a blissful sleep, then picked up the slack and started breathing like there were two stoppers up his nose. Can I not catch a break? What did I do to deserve such bad sleeping karma?
So here I am, now listening to the second member of my family snore like there is tomorrow while I try desperately to count sheep and the number of ways I could get Siig to stop snoring: Pillow case over the face? No, too mean. Kick to the shins? Tried that. Subliminal whispers? Maybe. I settle for a subtle elbow jab to his side and an extra pillow over my ears.
Finally, somehow, I drift off to sleep, but am woken up at 8 am by the kids jabbering away in their beds. Four hours sleep. Definitely not enough.
But at least I know what to get Kaiden and Siig for Christmas:
(Model included. Bonus for me.)