A guide to explaining pregnancy to children

So lately, with my belly getting bigger, my children have become more curious about the birth and the baby. Here are some of the questions they have been asking, and my two responses: what I actually told them, and then the truth, only muttered to myself under my breath.

1. Kaiden: “Mommy, can I watch the baby come out?”

“Well, I don’t know. I will be in some pain.”

“Will you be crying?”

“Yes, honey, I probably will.” As well as screaming and yelling curse words and calling your dad all sorts of really bad names. The phrase ‘Jesus fucking Christ’ will be uttered a lot.

“OK, I don’t want to watch the baby come out then.”

“Good choice.”

2. Kaya: “Mommy, how did the baby get in your tummy?”

“The Tooth Fairy put it there. She took the quarter I left under my pillow and gave me a baby instead.” Well, you are much too young for me to explain this one. And you better not find out what I’m talking about until you are 21. And don’t even think of wearing skimpy skirts and tight shirts when you are 15 because there’s no way in hell we will let you out of the house. The Tooth Fairy might see you.

3. Kaya: “Mommy, why is your tummy still squishy and not hard yet?”

“We just have to wait for the baby to get a little bigger and then my tummy will be harder.” Ok, you little shit, why do you think my belly is squishy in the first place? Umm, that would be because of YOU! Three years of exercising and it’s still not back to what it was. Now I’ve gone and got myself knocked up again and it will probably be another three years (or never) till I look like a Baywatch babe, so don’t you even think about commenting about my “squishy” belly once the baby’s out because you can kiss your Barbies and ballet shoes good-bye if you do.

4. Kaiden: “Mommy, can we have a dog instead of a baby?”

“No.” When the day comes when you can push a small melon out your private parts, then you can decide whether we have a pet or a child. Until that time, sorry to say you will have to be content with our toothless wonder cat.

5. Kaya: “Does the vet help get the baby out?”

“Ummm, no honey, the vet is the animal doctor. I see a midwife.” But if I’m on all fours while in labor like last time – what the heck – call the vet if the midwife can’t make it. Then Kaiden can pretend he’s finally getting that puppy he’s always wanted. I just better not deliver a litter.

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3 thoughts on “A guide to explaining pregnancy to children

  1. Luckily at my house they just “show up”. Although for a time after the twins came the older kids had the younger kids convinced that I had been probed by an alien and that’s why they weren’t white. Lovely kids I have.

  2. Hahaha, I love the things kids say! So cute!

    I told my husband that when it came time to deliver Dublin, I would likely be swearing and screaming and yelling at him, but I was so delirious from the pain that I didn’t do anything like that but MOAN.

  3. Well, all this reminds me of the last time I volunteered at my 4-year-old’s preschool. The girls surrounded me carrying baby dolls and said I was the baby doctor and I “had to help the babies get borned.”
    Not sure where this was going. I tried waving a wand, hiding the baby under a blanket and other evasive tricks. “No!” they yelled. “For real borned!”
    Finally I declared a C-section, used some plastic knives and spoons, waved my hands around and then declared the babies born. That seemed to placate them. Not sure what information they are getting at home but I avoid the baby doll area at that school now.

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