Kaiden has been doing this thing lately where he sticks his hand down his pants, grabs his wiener and then – and this is where it gets weird – brings his hand up to his nose and smells it! I sure as hell don’t want to know what it smells like, but I am curious – is it a good smell? Does it smell like roses? Chocolate? Little boy wiener smell? What is it that compels him to do this at all hours of the day? Is it like the kids in my fifth grade class who couldn’t stop sniffing rubber cement?
Oh my gosh, is my child addicted to penis smell?
This reminds me of a girl who was in my cabin at Camp Tawonga in sixth grade. Shoshauna. She was a weird one. Before I go any further, let me clarify that she was not obsessed with sniffing penises, if you think that’s where I’m going with this. Her addiction was almost stranger.
She was infatuated with smelling her maxi-pads. While they were in her panties.
Swear to god.
I know this because it’s not like Shoshauna would inhale the scent of her Stay-Frees while in the privacy of a bathroom stall. Oh no. One day I looked up from my bunk bed and there she was, pants pulled down around her knees, head bent over her crotch, sniffing away.
I was like, “Eeewww, Shoshauna, what the heck are you doing?!! That is, like, totally gross.”
“I’m smelling my pad. I like the way they smell. They’re scented.”
I was left utterly speechless for a moment. You’re kidding me, right? I mean, she liked the smell of her scented Ultra Super Maxi Pads with Flex Wings enough to bare her ass to her fellow campers and stick her nose in coochie blood, just to get a whiff of what? Flowers? Talcum powder? Sweaty tween underwear?
Shoshauna clearly had a problem. I mean, we were in the middle of Yosemite, for christ’s sakes. If she really wanted to smell flowers, she could just go outside and inhale the aroma of the great outdoors.
I was living with a sick, sick girl.
We had no choice. We had to help her. Being only 12-years old and not yet aware of any Maxi-Pad Rehab locations near Yosemite, or Scented Female Hygiene Products AA classes nearby, we did the only thing pre-teen girls could think of – we put Nair in her shampoo.
Looking back, I see that that was the wrong course of action. Just like someone would confiscate a pack of cigarettes from a friend who was addicted to smoking, clearly we should have taken away Shoshauna’s beloved Kotex, buried them on Half Dome, and substituted them with a box of tampons. Unscented tampons.
Shoshauna did look good with no hair, by the way. Well, it didn’t all fall out. Just chunks here and there.
As for Kaiden, if I catch him with his pants down and his head between his legs inhaling a big whiff of whatever it is he smells down there, I’ll have no choice but to revert back to being 12-years old.
I’ll force him to smell scented Stay-Frees.
That should teach him.