The Two Most Evil Books in the World

guesshowmuch

   loveyouforever

I’m screwed. Kaya recently discovered the most evil book in the world and is making me read it to her every night: “Guess How Much I Love You” by Sam McBratney. Don’t be fooled by the innocent-looking cover and soft, pastel colors. This book is almost as evil as Poltergeist.

The author should be arrested and sentenced to a lifetime of watching the “Color Purple.” This book is just a blatant ploy to get any parent to sob for long periods of time. I thought I had tucked this book way in the back of the shelf, where she would never find it. But after two years, my luck ran out. I’m now doomed to tear-up at every bed-time reading.

For those of you who have had the good fortune of not owning this book, I’ll give you the run down: It’s basically about a kid rabbit and his daddy trying to out-do each other in their descriptions of how much they love each other. In other words, the book basically shoots an arrow straight into your heart strings from page one and pulls on them for the entire read. Who does such an evil, evil thing? I’ll tell you who – someone who wants a best seller by playing on the raw emotions of parents everywhere. So what if kids love it and it’s an endearing book? It makes me cry every frickin’ time, and I’m sick of it, I tell you, sick of it!

But there is actually one other book that tops this one in evilness: “Love You Forever” by Robert Munsch. A friend (but can you really call someone a ‘friend’ if they give you this book?) gave it to Kaya for her first birthday. I couldn’t even get through the first page without reaching for the Kleenex box. This book is even worse than “Guess How Much I Love You” because it follows a mother’s love for her son as he grows up and she ages, and then he ends up taking care of her and repeating the cycle with his own child. So it’s a double whammy. You will be crying for multiple reasons. My advice: this book is for suckers. Don’t be a sucker.

Siig’s cousin Valerie was staying at our house once and saw “Love You Forever.” This is what she had to say: “Oh, that is an evil book. I wouldn’t give it to my worst enemy.”

See??? Only give this book to pregnant women and new parents if you hate them or they did something terrible like not say hi to you at the park. I swear, both these books should come with a warning: DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE A WEAK HEART OR ARE PRONE TO CRYING WHILE WATCHING THE OLYMPICS OR SAPPY LIFETIME MOVIES.

These books are to be given to frenemies only. And they are always to be given alongside a box of tissues. Because, after all, even frenemies don’t deserve to cry every single time they read their child a bed-time story. That would be evil.

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Word of the Day

Pip: The small seed of a fruit, as that of an apple or orange.

I learned this word from, of all places, my daughter’s latest library book – “The Apple-Pip Princess.” And I had absolutely no idea what it meant when I first saw it. A variation of Pippy Long-Stocking, pip-squeak, pimple? Using my amazing powers of deduction, by page seven I had figured out that the word basically means ‘seed.’ Why on earth the author couldn’t use that more common word than vocabulary a grown up isn’t even familiar with doesn’t make sense to me. It is a children’s book, after all. I know, I know – ‘Apple-Pip Princess’ sounds a lot better than ‘Apple-Seed Princess.’ But should Johnny Appleseed have been called Johnny Applepip? I think not. That makes him sound like an effeminate pioneer.

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Latest pick

The Story of Edgar Sawtelle

The Story of Edgar Sawtelle

So I started a book club about 5 years ago, and we’re still going strong. It should really be called a “Wine and Cheese and Chocolate” club, because the group really involves about seven ladies getting together and talking and laughing over wine for a few hours about every six weeks. Quality girl time. But we do discuss the book each time, at least for 20 minutes. I love it because it makes me read books I would never pick out on my own.
This is our latest. A bit thick, but I highly recommend it. It’s beautifully written. About a mute boy, his relationship with dogs and the crime that tears his family apart.