Can I tell you something?

Before we proceed in this relationship any further, I think there’s something you should know about me.

I don’t make my bed. Ever.

And I only clean the inside of my car about twice a year.

There, I’ve said it. I’ve laid all the cards on the table.

Wait! Where are you going? Don’t click that button! Don’t leave! I can explain! I promise. Just give me a chance. I’ll be your BFF (Best Facebook Friend)!

OK, that’s better. Now that I have your full attention again, let me defend myself. First, I do make the bed when I change the sheets, which is about as often as I clean my car. Just kidding! I don’t want to totally freak you out when I have just regained your trust. Wait, don’t check your e-mail! I’m still here, I have lots more highly interesting stuff to say. I’ll try to stop kidding around.

In total, complete seriousness, I just think making the bed is a complete waste of time. I mean, you’re just going to mess it up again at night. And who sees my bed anyways besides my kids and Siigo? In the rare case we do have company, then, I admit, I will straighten up my bed so that it looks descent, but the guests are probably so overwhelmed by the sight of Siig’s multiple piles of clothes that they don’t even notice an unmade bed.

I haven’t decided yet whether I’m going to make my kids make their beds every day, like I had to when I was growing up. It didn’t do much for me, after all. I just think it’s a silly chore. I’d much rather have them clean up all their toys.

I know what you’re thinking. I can see it in the look of disgust written all over your face. (You know, you read just like a book.) You’re thinking: “Then why even shower when you’re just going to get dirty, or clean your house when it’s just going to get messy?”

Touché, my friend, touché. Well played. But I’m one step ahead of you. Really, you are so predictable.

Personal hygiene and a clean house are different than a neat bed for one reason – I have to smellbe around myself and the rest of the house all day. I don’t really spend much time in my bedroom. Except when I’m working at my desk, but then I am so absorbed by my amazing skills as a writer and the thrilling stories that I spin that I hardly notice an unkempt bed.

Well, I think I’ve clearly won this debate. Mountain Momma:1; You:0. What? What’s that you say? What about the messy car? Oh, that. I had thought you forgotten. Dam it!You just seemed so anxious to move on to ebay, but thanks for nothing reminding me.

I neglect my car out of pure laziness. Honestly, I really don’t feel like exerting the energy to perform the herculean task of keeping my car free of cheerios, crackers, dried bagel bits, bars, juice boxes, sand, etc. stuck in every nook and cranny of the kids’ car seats and the back seats. Just like my bed, every time I straighten up the car, it just goes right back to where it was by the next day.

So I say, “No, thank you.” I have better things to do with my time, like have this wonderful conversation with you. Hello? Hello? Were you even listening? Did you read anything I wrote here at all?

That’s it! I’m unfriending you from my Facebook page. Ah-ha! That got your attention! Fine, fine, we’ll call it even. Mountain Momma:1; BFF:1. Better, now? I feel like we have really made major strides in our relationship today. Come here and give me a hug!

But I’m still not making the bed.